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Tue, Apr. 22nd, 2014, 10:01 pm
Doomed

I think my marriage might be doomed. It seems like for a long time now, everything is wrong. I don't know how to make it better. It might be character flaws in both of us that will never change. Can we keep holding on? Can we keep fighting? How many dumb fights that blow out of proportion before we both give up at the same time? How many days of coming home, wondering what I'm walking into? How many excuses for being jerks, thinly veiled as apologies?

From his side, I think he's so far down that he can't see a way out, and therefore everything is garbage. From my side, I have to keep being this amazing perfect thing that is the only good thing in his life. I can't have a moment where I'm not happy, I can't express concerns, I can't let on that my side of life isn't always sunshine and rainbows. And if I do, it sends him spiraling downward. Thats a lot of responsibility. Is that marriage, or is it a hostage situation?

I feel like a failure as a wife because I'm not perfect. The reaction to my imperfections is so large and extreme that they seem bigger than they are. It consumes me.

Mon, May. 13th, 2013, 12:27 pm

Not even lunch time yet and my whole week is booked solid.

Thu, May. 2nd, 2013, 11:16 am

I just love when my boss makes a decision for me and doesn't tell me about it, then appoints me in charge of answering questions about it while still not giving me any information. Welcome to corporate middle management.

Sun, Sep. 23rd, 2012, 10:04 am

Dealing with problems is so much harder when I'm the one that caused them.

Poor Mark. Seriously, I'm worried about him. His pysche has been attacked over and over the past couple of months. I'm not surprised that he jumped to the worst possible conclusion. It would make sense with everything he's dealing with. I just feel so absolutely dreadful about it. Admittedly I'm not perfect here and I make mistakes, I just hate that it causes him pain, especially when it's causing him worse pain than is really necessary.

I always feel like, as long as he and I are okay, I can handle everything else. So when he and I are not okay, where does that leave everything? Actually, after reflecting on that last statement for a couple minutes here, I know where it leaves everything. Everything can kiss my ass. Everything is insignificant. Compared to how much I care about this relationship, I don't care about everything else at all.

I just want my husband to be okay, to know that he's loved. The world just hasnt been a very safe place for him. I thought I was giving him that secure world he needs, but I didnt make it safe enough. Damn it.

Wed, Jun. 6th, 2012, 09:48 pm
ghostly encounters

Mark and I are now settled into Grandmama's house. By settled in, I mean of course that all our stuff is here and so are we, not that we are organised in any way. All the same...

So far, we've had 3 encounters. The first day we were moving in, I saw Grandmama sitting in the swing by the lake. I saw her. Full bodied, no mist or anything weird like that, she was there! Then she wasn't. A couple days later, Mark was by himself and heard her call his name. He thought it was my mom and looked all over for her, but mom was over at her house. A couple days after that, I was painting by the light switch in the bedroom, and looked over the see a man standing next to me in the doorway. The man in the damn doorway! I've seen him before! Jaime and I met him when we were probably 15ish. The first time it was just a dark figure looming in the doorway, this time it was flesh, like I could have touched him, and it was right next to me. I fell backward and he disappeared. I've NEVER seen full bodied apparitions before. This house is nuts.

Grandmama said the man in the doorway was comforting, that when she was sad she could feel him touch her back, or lay next to her, and she was comforted by him. She thought it was Mike Smith, the man who lived (and died) in this house before she came to live to with us. She didn't know him during his life. After seeing him, I don't think that was him...I think it was Grandmama's second husband Danny. It would make a lot more sense.

I hadn't had any experiences like this for years. When Grandmama was dying, I was having some really troubling dreams about all these energies that were trying to invade my space. I can't explain it much better than that, they were just pulling at me and getting too close. They felt very familiar, like energies I'd encountered when I was younger. I had thought that maybe Grandmama's spirit clingers were looking for her through me, or were latching onto me as she wasn't exactly available any more. I don't know why they would do that, but it made sense at the time. Now I'm here and having these experiences, and I don't feel worried about it, but there is a thought in the back of my head that maybe they were pulling me back here for something.

Thu, Apr. 19th, 2012, 02:21 am

Another friend becomes a parent. 3 more years till I'm 30. Holy shit.

Mon, Nov. 28th, 2011, 12:52 am

Worked a bit on cleaning out Grandmama's house today. We were really just trying to plan her memorial party on the 3rd, but ended up over there gathering supplies and things and straightening up. I brought home some clothes of hers that I really loved, and then spent the evening inhaling them deeply and crying. That smell will only linger for so long, and nothing in the whole wide world will ever duplicate it.

Most heartbreaking sight of the day: watching mom close her eyes and clutch an old blouse, and calling it one of her "hug my mommy" items. My heart breaks for her, but I also know some day that will be me. I wonder what my "hug my mommy" items will be. I'm not in a hurry to find out.

Fri, Oct. 28th, 2011, 01:25 am

I hope I'm not speaking prematurely, but it sure seems that Grandmama's number is finally up. We've spent the last two days at the hospital with her, and at my mom's trying to stop her cleaning frenzy/coping mechanisms from taking over. Yesterday morning I got the call from mom saying that the doctors were advising it was time to make a choice about keeping her on life support or letting her go. At this point there is zero chance of recovery, so it was just a matter of saying the words. We decided to keep her around yesterday so everyone would have the opportunity to say goodbye if they wanted to, and took her off the breathing tube today. If you're wondering, since I posted the other day on facebook that she was successfully breathing on her own, unfortunately that was short-lived. She developed a mucus plug in her lungs shortly thereafter, and they had to take that out, but she still couldn't get enough air so she was put back on the ventilator. We were able to spend yesterday with her, talking to her, and she was actually being responsive (which she hadn't been in days) so I think she knew what was going on. Today she wasn't as aware, and we've spent most of the day watching her gradually drop into a coma, and when we left tonight her blood pressure was about 39/17. Unfortunately this is happening at a time when my dad is in Key West on a fishing trip with a bunch of old friends, so he isn't able to be there and my mom didn't even tell him that we were taking her off the machine. She wants him to enjoy his trip and she'll fill him in later. I feel a little conflicted on that one. I think it's a nice notion, but he's going to be a little irritated when he gets back because I know he'd want to be here with my mom. Either way, he'll find out soon enough. In the meantime, Mark has been filling in as the strong male figure standing guard and giving out hugs and rubbing her knotted up back and running out for food. He even stayed in the room with my mom while they were yanking out the tubes. It was a little gory for me so I didn't stay, but he said mom had a death grip on him the whole time. He's been such an angel. She said she was glad we weren't wimps, since she really didn't want to be alone. She had told me this morning to go to work, but then called a couple hours later crying and asking if I'd come sit with her, which of course I did, so it was a good thing I didn't go to work after all. I broke the news to my brother yesterday (mom said she couldn't think of how to tell him, so I volunteered) and let him know that if he wanted to see her before she goes, now is the time. I don't think he's ever visited her in the hospital a single time in his adult life. He just doesn't do well with that environment and says he doesn't want to have a memory of her like that. I don't blame him at all...I used to think he'd end up regretting it, but we were talking yesterday and it really clicked, after seeing her like that so much myself, I understand what he means. He was wishy washy about coming to see her, but I said you know, it's your choice, and if you don't go she isn't going to realize it at this point, so it's for you. If you can say goodbye without going, that's okay. He ended up not coming, and since he was able to make a choice I think regret won't be an issue. It's one thing to say I made a choice not to see her like that so I can remember her as she should be remembered, and another thing to say I didn't have a chance to say goodbye and I wish I could have. Everyone deals with it differently I guess. I don't like seeing her that way, but I can't bare the thought of her ever being in there alone, scared, having people messing with her constantly. Anyway, I'm completely at peace with letting her go, but it's intensely sad at the same time. People have always said I'm a lot like her, and with age I've discovered that's something to be proud of, where I used to think it was some kind of...not an insult, but maybe like they were teasing me. But I'm proud of it now.

Also, my crazy old uncle michael and his wife came; they're staying the night at the hospital with my mom. Michael is mom's brother. They've been estranged from each other for a long time, but I had invited him to the wedding because I really didn't think grandmama would be around long, and she wanted to see him. He came, and they spent a good amount of time chatting. She told me later how happy she had been to see him, and I'm so glad we were able to give them that time. Beyond that, this whole situation would be a little awkward if this was the first time we'd seen him in a decade. Things sure seem to happen the way they are supposed to sometimes. Like not getting the wedding date we wanted (which would have been the 15th), because if we'd waited another week she wouldn't have been able to see it.

Sad day in the fuller house.



Wed, Aug. 24th, 2011, 01:48 am

5 years under the same roof and the man still remembers to praise me on a job well done. I know 5 years isn't all *THAT* long in the grand scheme of things, but I have to give credit where it's due. Appreciation and encouragement play a big role in this little apartment. Whether it's encouragement to apply for a job I'm not qualified for, because he's sure I'd be good at it anyway, or congratulating me on finally breaking through that layer of soap scum in the bathroom after spending all weekend elbow-deep in ammonia and baking soda, I can't help but feel a little giddy that I have someone around to point my silly accomplishments out to me. There's nothing like being told I'm awesome, even if it's over something mundane, to keep my spirits high.


On to the general updates...


work work work, blah blah blah


wedding stress, omg


money woes


whatever.




Detailed, wasn't it? Aside from wedding planning and working my buns off, there really isn't much going on. I suppose that's a good thing - I'm not sure I could handle much else. I did open a shop on etsy to try to sell some of these crafty things I've been creating over the years. That's kind of exciting and fun. My mom is supposed to send me some pictures of things she's made recently so I can try to sell them for her too. She's so creative. I have no family drama going on, which is great. I haven't been to see my brother in the longest, but after the last time we were up there and he kind of creeped me out, I sort of haven't wanted to visit a whole lot. His drinking is getting a little...concerning...again. His mind just goes to a really strange place that honestly weirds me out. I really think he's bipolar.


I'm fostering a turtle for a friend of ours for the next six months, so I now have 2 turtles. Yippy skippy. They're really neat critters, but I've got enough animals in this apartment to start charging admission. At least he's quiet and doesn't smell. :-)


We started getting our first round of RSVPs back! Hooray! My expectations for this wedding are pretty small, much like the guest list and budget, but I just hope everyone has a pleasant time. I didn't ever want anything fancy. I would have been much happier having a really small party after signing papers at the courthouse, but other people kind of pulled me into the deep end. Now I'm drowning in it. If I was rich, it wouldn't be a problem - hire a wedding planner and give them carte blanche so I wouldn't have to make any decisions. Man that would be great. I'm so bad at decision making, and there are so many things to plan. Dang music, and food, and color schemes and this and that. I don't even like romantic music...in fact, I'm not sure I identify with the idea of romance at all anymore. I guess I just have a different take on it than other brides. Or other girls in general. To me, having a guy who gets excited about a meal I cooked or a necklace I made, someone who engages me in intelligent conversation and rubs the knots out of my back is far more valuable than someone who wants to give me roses, which just sit in a vase and wilt, or someone who spends way too much money on a fancy date where I feel completely out of place. I got way more excited about the treadmill he bought me for christmas (a sign that he was listening to what I wanted!) than I ever got about sparkly jewelry. So, as you can imagine, this wedding feels like something I'm planning for someone else. I keep trying to make it more about us, but if I made it TOO about us, it won't be a wedding. It'll be a barbecue. And no one travels to FL from PA for a damn barbecue in October.


I think my turtles should be the ring bearer and flower girl. How cool would that be?! If Hailey wasn't so excited about being in the wedding...of course...i could always have her walk WITH the turtles...hmmm....


I hope no one thinks I'm serious.


Enough rambling. I'm starting to sound like a mad woman.






Wed, May. 4th, 2011, 02:28 am

Well, dress shopping this weekend didn't exactly pan out. One thing after another up at my brothers place and we didn't get to go. But im not disappointed-i got to hang out with Kori and the kids. I think Kori and I may go by ourselves without anyone else. I think my mom wants to go but that means bringing Grandmama and she stresses me out. I don't want to be dress shopping all irritated. Ill buy something hideous. And jenny was there too because she had to come down for her divorce and I really didn't want her along either. She tries to push her style on me a lot. Anyway I guess ill have to try again some other time.

Work has been really slammed because of the tornados. We're all exhausted and its just awful to hear some of those stories. Poor folks. I think its going to be a memorable year.


Posted via LjBeetle

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