Alyse

Where to start?

Thanksgiving was great. Windy's dad showed up, for the first time ever. Jenny and Tyler are away in Vegas for her school still, so they didn't come. I didn't really think I would miss them a whole not (not to sound mean, I just thought I understood and was happy enough for her that it wouldn't matter) but she sent us a text on the way to my brothers house and I about cried. I'm just used to her being around for the big stuff. Still, everyone else was there, including Jason (windy's brother) who is never around because he lives on a fishing boat in Alaska.

My dad pulled a tv move. He gathered everyone up and had us hold hands and stand in a circle while he made this speech about our family and how the core of our family was all in one room together (sans Jenny and Tyler). Then he dropped a bomb. He PRAYED. Out loud, in front of everyone, for the first time in my life. I just found out he believes in God last year, and now he's praying out loud at family events. This is the man who only ever went to church for the Christmas eve service, and even then it wasn't every year. Justin and I had to have a talk to hash it out. It was weird for both of us. The closest thing to that he's ever done was asking us if we had anything we wanted to say when he buried the family dog. That was 2 decades ago.

Mom says something changed in dad and he finally "gets it"; he's been treating her well, almost stopped snooping on her, he's been a good man lately. Dunno what happened, but I think it may have something to do with age. He had told me that when he had his first heart attack he made a deal with god that he would be a good man if he could stay around a while longer. Then he had another heart attack last year, and I think maybe it served as a reminder to him that he has to hold up his end if he wants more time. I'm proud of him. He's finally acting like what I have suspected he really was deep inside.

Then Hailey got attacked by a dog. We had all eaten and she was playing outside with Jason's girlfriend's sister's dog (I don't know why this dog was even there) when he jumped up and nipped her face. It's a huge dog, but it was just a puppy and I think it thought they were playing, but all the same she got a couple scratches and was really freaked out. Jason came over to her and started telling her how sorry he was that she got hurt and that he shouldn't have brought the dog, and wouldn't you know that SHE tried to COMFORT HIM?! She kept telling him it wasn't his fault and that he shouldn't be mad at the dog, and that he didn't know better because he was just a baby. This is all in between sobs, mind you. What a special kid. I mean, she's 4.

Speaking of Hailey, she started preschool a few months ago. I'm happy to report that she LOVES school. Lets hope that holds out for the next 14 years at least.

In less cheerful news, they think my grandmother may have cancer. We're waiting on test results, but I wouldn't be surprised. She's got 2 large growths and lots of pain. The doctor said she isnt strong enough to survive surgery (and shes stronger now than she's been in years) so if it is cancer, there is no recourse. She wont do chemo again, and probably couldn't survive it anyway. I'm trying to be optimistic that maybe it's benign, but the outlook is bleak. Last Christmas she read her own palm and said she estimated that she wouldn't see another Christmas. It's looking like she was wrong, but maybe not by much.

It's terrible of me, because I do love her very sincerely, but I can't help but think that her timing for departure will be appropriate. Taking care of her is a fulltime job with no pay (other than her being alive) and she's extremely demanding. With dad's recent turnaround (lets hope that lasts too) I think mom and dad might have a chance at saving their marriage with her gone. Mom has even stopped moving her stuff into her storage unit. It's hard for them to focus on each other with her around.

As an example, I took my mom to St Pete yesterday for an event and grandmama wanted to go, but mom said no. It's all these vendors getting together with live music and food and all the local farmers come out, etc. It's a walking event, and she can't walk for long. She threw a big old hissy fit. When mom and I got home, she wouldn't even talk to us and made a point of coming out to walk her dog and walked right passed us with a sour look on her face, and she made this sniffle noise that she makes when she's being passive aggressive. When she got back from walking the dog, I stopped her and said, "Where do you think you're going?! I waited to leave until you got back so I could get a hug." Then she perked up. I told her that next time we could take her, because it turns out that lots of people were buzzing around in scooters and she could even bring her dog. Then she was happy. What a sour puss, like she absolutely could NOT be happy until I made a fuss over her, waiting just to see her and letting her know she'd be involved next time. I can only imagine how she feels, and I'm sure it's hard to have people say no to you when you know your time is limited, but then again, she's been like that her life and it's only gotten worse with age.

Kori finally graduated college, and we went to a grad party for her last night. I felt like a tool though, because I only knew Justin and Windy, and Kori's family, so once they started leaving we took off too. It was only like 7 oclock, but everyone was leaving. I think she deserved a better party. It's a pretty big deal to get through college, and she's been so dedicated. I was a little bummed too (as was her family) because her brother couldn't make it. He just graduated too, and it was supposed to be a joint party, but he ended up having to work. Messed up. He had gotten time off approved, and then his boss changed her mind the day before he was supposed to leave for Florida. It's a good job though, and they want to set him up as a manager, so I guess he has to prove he's committed. Still I haven't seen him since last Christmas so it would have been nice. Oh well.

Anyhow, it should be a slim Christmas this year. I had all this money saved up for gifts, and ended up having to get my transmission rebuilt which sucked up the funds. It wont be terrible, but wont be as great as I'd planned. It may be a special year though; Marks mom and her husband are supposed to come stay with us so we can have Christmas together, and they'll be meeting my family. I'm a little nervous about it, but at the same time, it's been 3 years since we got engaged and our families have never met. If they're going to meet any of them, I think his mom and Bob are the best to start with. They're very down to earth and his mom is a riot. I think they'll get along best with Windys side of the family best. Windy and Mark grew up very similarly, which I suspect is why they bonded quickly. She was really the first to accept him as he IS, no strings attached. And I'm glad she did, because that just made everyone else warm up. Windy has a way of making people feel good about the world. That's her superpower.

It seems the surgery went ok, for those who are wondering. The place I had it done is super-efficient, so I really didn't have time to get too worried once I was there. All the staff was just so sweet to me the whole time and very patient and gentle.

It's a good thing I had an attack the other night because every time I started to feel anxious I just reminded myself of how it feels and that I won't have to feel like that anymore. It took a little longer than expected, but no major issues except that I was having a hard time breathing when I woke up. Apparently I was turning blue and they got a little worried. Once I was able to cough and sputter a bit my lungs opened up and the oxygen kicked in.

My parents officially know I smoke now. My dad came down to the facility to keep Mark company while I was in having the procedure, and when I came to the nurses gave me a 'quit smoking' speech, which he was present for. Then my mom came by the apartment after I got home and happened to see an ashtray and joked with me about it. I'm sure later on I'll be getting a speech from them too, but for now they seemed more concerned with the immediate issue. I feel better knowing they know, and I think when it's time for me to quit I'll be more successful than in the past because I'll have their support too.

The pain isn't nearly what I thought it would be. It's rough, I won't lie, but I feel like it's manageable and to be honest I've had attacks worse than this. At least with this I know in a few days it will be gone and won't come back. Plus they gave me a hefty dose of Vicadin (with a refill if I need it) so I can stay doped up until I'm good and healed. I'm a little worried about going back to work because I want to make sure I'm not overdoing it. My boss is going out of town when I get back so I can't really call in or anything next week.

I had a little fear about being out of work this long and thinking that maybe no one would really feel the difference, like what I do doesn't really effect anything, but I've already got a couple emails from my boss needing help with this and that, so I've been sending her instructions and I left her a little to-do list because I know there are some things I do every week that she wouldn't even think about. I mean she's a great leader and everything, but some things I've been doing long enough that she's probably forgotten about them. Anyway, it was nice to see that she needed me a little bit; i felt important.

I can't even begin to say what an angel Mark has been. As always, I'm playing the damsel in distress and he's responding as the knight in shining armor. He's making sure I take my medicine and helping me get in and out of bed. He gets the sweetest face of worry whenever I wince or squeek and it just makes my little heart melt. He's been encouraging me to eat and drink and be patient with myself, which I have a hard time doing. I hate having moments of weakness, but at the same time I feel like it may be a strengthener for our relationship. It almost speaks to the gender roles concept, and offers him an opportunity to be supportive and offers me a time to be trusting. He's been handling my calls for me and letting everyone know how I'm doing, and when my parents came over he made sure they were comfortable and got them drinks and played the host very well. I can imagine growing old and having him here to take care of me when I start falling apart, and it's a sweet thought to me.

The meds are kicking in, so I'm going to bed. Goodnight moon.

I'm having another goddamn gallstone attack tonight. I knew I shouldn't have had chicken tenders today. I knew it I knew it I knew it and I made a bad move. The only thing that can comfort this is knowing that after Tuesday, I'll never have to feel this way again. Praise God.

I swear, when this is all over, I'm going to eat a pound of bacon, deep fried and battered, stuffed into a mound of butter-soaked potatoes and topped with vanilla ice cream. Ohhhhh beloved ice cream. How I've missed you.

Then of course I'll have to rope myself to the treadmill for the next 2 days to burn off the calories. It'll totally be worth it though.

I was talking to my friend Anthony Butera the other night and we got lost in conversation and when I hung up the phone I realized we'd been talking for 4 hours. It was really nice for me to be able to talk to someone for that long and not realize it. I didn't know I had 4 hours worth of conversation in my head needing to get out.

Mostly we were talking about relationships. He was telling me about this girl he dated 10 years ago who he's been trying to get back together with, but she's not really giving him what he's looking for. Apparently this girl is involved in a gang, like a big one, and before she can consider dating him she has to get out of the gang. Then she's got a son, and the sons dad was involved with her at the same time they were dating 10 years ago, so he's still in the picture. The whole situation is really fucked up altogether. I don't think it all sounded very healthy, and we started discussing how she was just a challenge to him so that he could feel like he has closure, if it's his choice to leave this time.

We talked a lot about Mark and I too. Normally I don't go into that kind of stuff a whole lot with my friends because a lot of them are single or frustrated with love or unhappy in their own relationships, and I don't want to be that person that jabbers on about how happy I am and how much I love my situation. It never feels appropriate. But for 4 hours the other night, that's pretty much all I did.

I have to say, our relationship has been tested and tested and tested, and I'm nothing but happy. All the financial issues, the emotional issues, my trust issues, they don't matter right now. Butera actually kind of helped me a little bit with my trust thing too. I realized that the basis for my concerns really has nothing to do with Mark, and more to do with the fact that I was deeply permanently hurt by someone insanely close to me, and for me the concept of being able to trust anyone completely is difficult to wrap my brain around. I guess that's the standard excuse, but I really hadn't thought of it until he brought up something similar. I know Mark has been hurt in the past pretty severely too, by people close to him, and I wonder how he is so able to trust me. I'm no saint, I've got my history, but somehow he trusts me.

I've never loved like this before.

I wish there was some way to tell him how deeply I care about him. I feel like all the words have been said, and I have no way left to express myself that I don't already do. It's been 3 years that this ring has rested on my finger. I'm surprised it hasn't become a part of my skin. In some ways it feels like it is. If I take it off, like when I dye my hair or something, it feels wrong physically and I get really uncomfortable emotionally. I want it on. All the time.

They say that the first year living together is the hardest, and that after 2 years you start really struggling. We're well beyond that. Most of our hardship was immediate, and now it seems like anything that happens is no big deal because we've been through worse and harder times. We've faced things we didn't want to face, we've fought each other tooth and nail, and the fear is gone. Nothing left but sincere devotion anymore.

I feel like all I do anymore is sleep and clean my house. Ugh. I need a break from the routine.

Last weekend was a lot of fun. On Sunday I went with Windy and the kids to Lakisha Millers daughters 8th birthday party. I haven't seen Lakisha in a few years so it was really something to get to see her. Her daughter looks just like her. Lord forgive me, but that was the most annoying child I've come across in quite a while. Destructive too. But it was fun to play with the kids and help Windy out, since my brother didn't want to go with her. After the party, we brought dinner to my mom's house and got some quality time with Grammy and Pop Pop. I took a lot of really cute pictures.

Then on Monday we all got back together again, and we were going to see the mermaid show in Weeki Watchee, but then we got there and found out they don't do shows on Monday. Instead we drove over to Pine Island, this lovely little private beach just down the road from my brothers house, and spent all day soaking up the sun. Mark went with me and it's always so neat to watch him playing with the kids. They really like him a lot. It was a really nice beach too, not too crowded and sugary sand. There was a little family of dolphins rounding up fish and playing just out past where we were swimming. They looked huge to me. Lakisha's little brother (who is not so little anymore...) found some kind of starfish I'd never seen before and brought it up for all the kids (and me) to touch.

I also had a really exciting moment with Hailey. It's probably silly, but it made me feel good. Someone was trying to show her a big old crab they plucked out of its hole, and she got scared and hid her face on the back of my leg. Everyone was trying to convince her to come out from back there, but I didn't want her to. For just a minute I felt like she trusted me to be a security blanket. It was a nice feeling. Then I told her that the crab wasn't going to hurt her, but that she didn't have to look if she didn't want to. She looked. You have to play it that way with her sometimes, let her know she has a choice over what she's doing, and I'm happy to say that I've figured that out about her.

I also got to do a little bonding with Cole too. He doesn't usually play with me a whole lot, especially if men are around. He's a man man. But i took him out swimming, just the two of us, and we had so much fun. I want him to be able to swim well because they have a pool at the house and I worry about him being so headstrong that he might wander in there by himself, so I let him try swimming on his own at the beach. I was right there with him, and it was shallow enough for him to tippy toe, but I wasn't helping him. I was pleased to learn that he at least doesn't panic when his head goes under (in fact seemed to like that part best) and knows how to get his feet underneath him and kick. That's pretty good for 2 years old. I tried to get him to float on his back, cuz if you can float you can breathe, but he wasn't ready yet. Too wiggly still.

It's strange the way your mind plays tricks on you. I was just thinking, I always remembered my dad teaching me to float on my back, but a few years ago I found out it was actually my mom who taught me. I guess there was just a time or two that dad tried, but it stood out in my head because I wasn't used to him doing it. Makes me wonder what else I remember wrong, or what my kids will remember about me, that kind of thing...

Anyway, this weekend is set up to be rather boring. So far, Mark has slept all day (which is okay when you work overnight) and I've been sitting here wishing someone was online worth talking to. I think I got a cold, cuz I feel cruddy and have the sniffles and a sore throat, so I really just want to sleep all day so it goes away. I doubt it will work though. There's been something nasty going around work. I hate the idea that germs in my body came from someone else's...and it's even worse when I don't know specifically who it was. Gross.

Warning: It's a mushy one. I don't write about my relationship much as I think it bothers people, but hey, its my journal right? Don't read if you don't like ooey gooey stuff.



Mark and I were riding in the car yesterday to go get groceries when my ipod chose a Brian Adams song to play. I hit the next button because I didn't really feel like I was in a Brian Adamsy mood, but Mark asked me to go back. He doesn't do that often, and given that I do actually like Brian Adams, I obliged. He says something like, "I love this song..." I asked him why, and he said "Because it makes me think of you."  In case that wasn't sweet enough, I urged him with an excited, "REEally?" I didn't think "the rhythm of my heart" was really a ME song. He said, "Yeah, it's a love song, and love songs always make me think about you."

I swear sometimes my life feels like a movie. Totally scripted but enjoyable anyway.

This is by far the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. We still do little things all the time that scream "I was thinking about you today" like when I got home from work tonight I left my ipod in the car on a song I know he loves, so when he heads out to work it'll be on for him. And when I came inside, he let me know he unzipped a movie I had downloaded yesterday and loaded it up for me so I could play it tonight without having to mess with anything. He also had dinner waiting for me, which is nice since I dont get out until 10 on wednesdays so I dont really have a lot of time to cook before I get tired. I'm a happy girl when he does stuff like that. Not the food, but I mean stuff that says he was thinking about me.

We've managed to get communication down to a science too. Every now and then there is a surprise, but mostly we avoid pushing each others buttons when possible, and when we have to say something that isn't nice we've gotten better about delivering and receiving it. It's much easier when there is no one else living here. We just got Colyn out a little bit ago and have been enjoying the extra space. Mark made the room kind of an office again, but this time he set me up a little reading station in the corner near my bookshelves so I can sit in here and read while he geeks out. Or vice versa I suppose. My room looks like a bedroom again so I've been sleeping better. Everything is good for now.



Not sure if I ever mentioned it, but the health issues are on hold for now. The surgeon wanted to wait to cut me up until we knew what the growth on my kidney was. Then I went to my regular doctor to find out, and it turned out to be nothing (literally, they had a bad angle on the sonogram and it was just an overlap of tissues from something else). I got the opportunity to mention to him that I'm a little nervous about going into surgery for this, and he talked with me about some hollistic approaches that may help me. I love that my doctor understands that there is more to health than pills and scalpels. I'm working on trying a few things that he suggested and seeing where that gets me. So far, no more major attacks. A couple little tiny ones, but they're just a mild discomfort, about as bothersome as having a sore neck from sleeping wrong. I can handle that. If I can delay needing surgery for a few years naturally then I will. I can't eat anything with fat or oil, and avoid dairy, but that's a change I can live with and be better off for it. And I can get away with an occasional treat as long as I follow it up with something fiberlicious later on to push things along without agitating anything.

Grandmama's accupunturist seems to think she can cure me by sticking needles in my skin. I'm not sure I buy it. I think it's a good practice to stimulate certain nerves and help you psychologically, but as far as allowing my body to push marbles through uncooked angle hair pasta....I doubt it. It must be nice to dream.

Anyone else find this amazing and hilarious?

Good lord. They're scented. I think i want some.

2 things:

I have discovered that Ramen noodles can, and will, go stale. For some reason, that really never dawned on me before.

Also, there is something really awesome about being with a man who eats whatever I cook, even if it turns out so terribly that I myself won't touch it. By the way, that was not related to the Ramen Noodles incident.


Now for the book of actual thoughts:

I've been really stressed out at work lately. It seems like it's just been one disaster after another. I'm trying really hard to do a good job, but it's gotten really complicated because we keep losing people and cant get approval to replace them. It wouldn't be as bad if the people we were losing were regular phone reps, because we have been cross training people in other departments to help when we're slammed (they are overtime starved because their depts are purely M-F 9-5). But instead, we're losing people that are responsible for specific roles, like managing the online customer accounts or handling all our ebay transactions. I'm not trained in any of that and I'm finding myself stuck figuring it out as I go, and giving others training on it. Nothing says I do a good job like not being able to answer questions during a training class. I know I'm doing the best with what I've got, but I just hope my boss knows that.

I must have spent half my day in a conference room with her today. I got her to discuss a lot of stuff that I've really been meaning to talk with her about, so I was really happy that she had some time for me today. She always makes time when I ask her to, but I know she's just as busy as I am and it's not always easy for me to ask her to clear a block of time for my random questions and ideas, not to mention our schedules rarely match up nicely enough for us to both be available at the same time. She's a really great boss. Just as inspiration for myself, I decided to scare myself silly yesterday. I got online and looked for jobs, and there are nothing but cruddy jobs out there right now. Not for my pay range anyway. It helped bring the focus back.

On the slate for tomorrow; delivering a list of everything I do in a week to Autumn and asking her to help me prioritize. I'm stuck in between 2 roles, and if it was one or the other I would know what to focus on. Instead I have the top priority stuff for the rep role competing for attention with the top priorities for the supervisor role. If I can manage my time a little more efficiently, I think that will help. Still, somethings got to give soon or else I'll be stuck on the phones and all those things I do will have to fall by the wayside, which is not good. Not that the place couldn't run without me specifically, but it can't run without someone covering those tasks, and there is no one else to hand it off to at the moment.

She's also been having me handle a lot of the disciplinary stuff, which I hate and so does she. I tease her all the time about how she just doesn't want to do it herself (*which she admits is true). I know it has to get done, and I wouldn't mind it as much if the title fit. It doesn't make sense to have 1 team lead delivering a write up to another team lead (in fact, it doesn't make sense for a team lead to be written up at all...ugh...) and if something has gotten bad enough that someone is going into their 2nd or third write up, facing dismissal, that seems like something that a real supervisor should be handling. I've had to meet with this one lady every single wednesday for the last 2 months to remind her that she still sucks. That's really exhausting. And she's a total bitch too and never understands how she could possibly be doing anything wrong. After every meeting she comes in the next day and talks to the HR manager about all this stuff I say to her that I don't actually say, or says I didn't cover things that I did. It would be handy to have a witness, but no one else is really willing to come in at 10pm to sit in a stupid meeting. Plus, my supervisor always backs me up so she doesn't think I need witnesses.

I wish I could take a vacation. At least mentally if nothing else. I've been getting cravings to drink myself into a stupor lately just to shut the brain off, but there really isn't a time that I don't have to worry about driving. Like, I could drink right now, but in 4 hours I have to pick Mark up from the overnight shift he was coerced into, so drinking now isn't a great idea.

On the positive side, Marks job is really great. He's challenged and interested in what he's doing, and there are a lot of different ways he could end up going if he plays his cards right. He doesn't seem too stressed out but he isn't bored either. There's always more to learn there so I think he'll be okay for quite some time. Also, Colyn found a new place to live so he'll be moving out this coming week. He's pretty cool as far as roommates go, I'm just thrilled that I'll get my personal space back. Once that room is empty, Mark can move his stuff back in there and our bedroom will start to feel like a bedroom again instead of a wire-webbed office with a bed in it. My cats are all acting normal again, using the litter box properly and being social, which is nice because they were being little demons when I had that stray in here. I can understand where they're coming from; I feel a little demonic myself when I take in human strays as well. Grandmama has started going to an acupuncturist and taking really good care of herself. She has actually been able to take a bath by herself and do some gardening this week without incident. It doesn't sound like much, but that's HUGE for her. As someone who needed help bathing at one point myself, believe me, it's a big deal to be able to wash your own hair and know you aren't going to feel pain, or drown, in the process. My mom also got grandmama's shower working (it hasn't worked since she moved in when I was like, 9 or 10) so she's just shitting rainbows lately. Apparently she likes showers over baths. I never knew that.

Alright, that's all for now. Better go do laundry and take a shower before I lose my motivation. I wish I didn't need to be motivated to do that kind of stuff. Lame.

I have the rare opportunity to clean my house today without risk of bothering anyone or having them in my way. Colyn and Mark are both at work. I tried vacuuming, in preparation to steam clean, but I'm having a small attack today and the vacuuming somehow seemed to exaccerbate it. Colyn's been sick so I've been really looking forward to cleaning the house of his germs (and he's such a typical man about spreading germs everywhere) but it looks like I'll have to just wear a SARS mask instead. I can't afford to get sick right now. I have friggin surgery coming up and they won't do it unless I'm perfectly healthy. I can't even smoke for a few days before or after.

I've been feeling really low lately. I keep thinking if I can just rearrange the appartment and straighten up the clutter (or get rid of it altogether) I could feel less stressed in here, but I can't seem to get it done. Everytime I get things situated someone comes along and messes everything up. Mark had a friend over last night who actually used one of my porcelain dinner bowls as an ash tray. I couldn't believe that shit. He didn't even think to try giving her a real ash tray? Ugh. I don't know what this place is going to look like when I'm laid up in bed for a few days. It's probably going to resemble New Orleans post-Katrina. Minus the dead bodies. Hopefully.

At least I got one good thing accomplished today before the pain really set in. I went and bought a bunch of school supplies and donated them to this program called Children with a Vision. Every year this one lady orchestrates a huge back to school event using only donations. She has a bunch of corporate sponsors and stuff that go so far as to put bounce houses and stuff out at the park where they distribute the supplies so kids can play while parents get whatever they need. This one lady runs the whole thing. She must be some kind of angel. I met up with her this morning around the crack of dawn to give her a few bags of supplies. Nothing fancy, just some paper folders and pencils and binders. She seemed really nice. Said a lot of her small business donors couldn't afford to help out this year due to the economy being so crummy, so this year was primarily from individuals. I saw the set up at the park and it looked like a huge turn out already, and I was there early as sin. I hope they don't run out of stuff too soon. One company actually donated a few hundred backpacks. I thought that was neat. They weren't even boring backpacks either, they had superheros and cartoon characters and neat designs and stuff. Way cooler than the shit I had. I felt good about it. People really surprise me sometimes with how much they can commit themselves to a cause, especially when there is really nothing in it for them other than satisfaction and a general sense of benevolence.

Maybe someday I'll find a goal worth keeping.

I called out of work again today. I took yesterday off because I'd been so sick all night, I needed to rest and recover. Today I'm not sick, but I have this feeling like it's coming on any second. There's a very distinctive feeling, like what I imagine it feels like when you're pregnant and the baby's foot is pressing out on your ribcage. It shoots to my back. I've been feeling it all morning, but so far no attack. I suppose it could just be residual pain from falling down my stairs last night (clumsy me :-P) 

I really want to just go back to bed, but I always feel so guilty about calling out of work that I can't sleep. My boss is supposed to be emailing me FMLA paperwork so I don't get in trouble for missing any time, and so I can still get paid while I'm out for the surgery, which is nice. It's not a full paycheck, but like 60%. I guess Mark's paycheck will have to cover us for a little while until I recover from that.

Talked to my brother a while this morning. He doesn't call me much, but apparently he was at the starbucks across the street from my office and was thinking I might have a coffee break with him. Too bad I wasn't there or I would have loved to. Things are starting to turn around for him a little bit. July was a really rough month for him in terms of work, but it sounds like August will be better. I worry about him a little bit because I know how much he stresses over it. With good reason, he's got his new house and the kids to think about. He's such a friggin genius though, it's almost not worth worrying about him. He's always been really good about magically making the world bend to his whims. I wish I was as smart as he is. 

For the last year or so, I've been having terrible stomach problems in the middle of the night. When it first started, I was sure I was pregnant because it really resembled morning sickness. I wasn't though, obviously. Anyway, the pain has progressively gotten worse and worse, so I finally went to the doctor last week because I've had just about enough of this sleepless night bullcrap. They did a bunch of tests on me and I just got the results back.

Apparently, I have gallstones the size of marbles, and some kind of potentially cancerous growth on my kidney. I'm going to need surgery to remove my gallbladder and more testing on the growth. Woo hoo.

I swear, last night it was so bad, I was seriously considering just offing myself to get it over with. I know that sounds drastic, but a lot of women say the pain from these gallstone attacks is worse than childbirth. I have to wonder though, do they mean worse than natural childbirth, or worse than doped up childbirth? Cuz I've heard that epideral thing really helps. Wish I had a damn epideral right in my stomach.

Thank GOD for insurance. I couldn't live with this longterm. It's only been a year and it's gotten this bad. Apparently it only gets worse as time goes by too. 

Needless to say, I'm a little freaked out. Not used to this kind of stuff.

Tonight I ventured into a new frontier. I have gained an unnatural intimacy with my vacuum cleaner.

Apparently at some point, someone (can't imagine who...) sucked up some kind of receipt or something, and it clogged the entire system. I took the whole thing apart, tube by compartment by filter, and stuck my fingers into dark and mysterious crevices. I reached into the darkness and found...muck...

Then i had a total mary poppins moment. I had the damn vacuum cleaner in my lap, looking directly into the spinny brushy thing, and my knee must have hit the power button, because all of sudden the thing spun and shot about a pound of dirt and kitty litter and dust all over my face. I guess that wasn't Mary Poppins, it was her chimney sweep friend.

The funnest part is, at one point I had vacuumed my air filter, cuz it makes it last a little longer, and fiberglass residuals are stuck all over me now. Awesome.

But at least the vacuum works again now.

I just got done paying all my bills in one shot. I had kinda skipped a few things last month that I had forgotten about, so it was more painful than expected unfortunately. Oh well. Money comes and goes. I'm trying to save up to move out in October, over to Wildwood Acres which would be freaking sweet.

I set my birthday as my quit date to finally drop cigarettes. I was planning to have medication to help me out first, but my doctor has been in Paris. I prefer to go to him because he knows my actual medical history, and he also runs a clinic/rehab facility for drug and alcohol dependency, so I know he'll understand the concept of being addicted. I don't really like doctors, so I need to believe that he doesn't think I'm stupid for having ever started smoking to begin with (although, it's true). I'm calling him today to set up an appointment and get some meds. I tried cold turkey since midnight of the 9th, and managed to make it until my lunch break yesterday without smoking. Then I just had one because I was having the hardest time focusing on what I was doing. By the time I went to bed, I'd had 5. 5 sounds like a big number, but compared to 20, that's pretty okay. If I can stay like that until I get some help, I think it will make a difference.

I went to the dentist on Monday and found out that for the first time in my life I have a couple cavities. I'm normally a little bit of a snob about my teeth (not openly, of course) so this is a hit. I have to go back for like 7 appointments to get them all filled. Apparently my old cealants are just about shot too so I'll have to get them removed and filled. The good news is the dentist said they looked like really young cavities so they haven't hit my nerves yet, so she doesn't think I'll need any pain killers or anything for the drilling, and my roots are healthy. My dental plan is really sturdy. I'm getting like $5k worth of work done for about $600.

Work totally sucks, btw. We're short-staffed, over-worked and stressed out. I had like a 2 hour meeting with my boss yesterday to talk about several things that are going on. We've lost 3 people in the last 2 months. That may not seem like much, but we're a small group so each person has a huge impact. Plus, these people I work with are the kind of people who never quit jobs. This one lady who just quit has only had 3 jobs in her whole life, this being the 3rd. She's in her 50's. And it got bad enough that she left. I think we'll lose more before things get any better. The good news is my raise kicked in this month. It's not big, but anything is helpful. I just hope that I can hold it together until things change.

Saturday night I was really lonely because Mark had been gone all day, playing with Jose. I was starting to feel like my whole world revolves around him, and my ability to be entertained is dependent on his ability to entertain me. I seriously sat in bed for like 2 hours fiddling with my purse strap. I tried calling just about everyone I knew, and eventually realized everyone had better plans for Saturday night than talking to me. Even my mom was unavailable.

I did manage to talk to Jenny for about an hour, which was a pleasant surprise. We havent talked on purpose in months. Aside from running into each other at family events, I really haven't had any contact with her at all. I wasn't expecting much from calling her, but was happy when I hung up because we actually talked that long without running out of things to say. I guess that is a benefit of not speaking for such a long period.

Round about midnight, when I was starting to go crazy, I decided that I really need more friends. Female ones. I needed to be around estrogen so bad it's not even funny. Having no way of meeting people, and being trapped because my headlight was broken, I decided to peruse craigslist.

I saw an ad for this girl who is 20, down the road from me, and she likes similar things as me. She was looking to meet new friends too and was trying the personals to see what happened. I wrote her an email and described myself and what I was looking for. I was shocked when she actually responded and seemed genuinely excited that I had written her. We chatted back and forth all day Sunday, and checked out each others myspace and stuff, and eventually I decided I wanted to go get some coffee and asked if she'd like to meet up.

I am thrilled to anounce that I managed to come out of my shell and do something completely crazy. I met a girl online, a total stranger, through a personals ad, and actually ventured off all by myself to a meeting point and had 2 hours of joyous conversation with her and really had a connection. I wasn't even nervous. Not one bit. Every bit of that situation goes entirely against my grain, so I suppose it's a testament to my need to actually have a friend locally who I can be myself around. I was really feeling like everyone who knew me didn't really know me, and like there were things I couldn't talk to anyone about. So when I met up with her, I decided I would just talk about whatever I wanted so at least I felt better, and if she didn't like it, at least I'd know it was honest and not like, she likes the me that I projected but not the real me.

She ended up liking me. We've been texting and stuff today and will probably meet up again soon. She's really freaking adorable too. Ecuadorian and pretty much a cutie pie. We were also talking about working out together cuz she just got a membership at shapes. I don't really like shapes though because it's so structured. I would rather be able to choose whatever exercises best suit me at the time. I may not feel like doing freaking step every day. What if I want to lift weights instead, or just run on a treadmill until I can't move? I wish I had met her a day earlier, to convince her sign up for a different gym.

Anyway, stepping out of the shell worked wonders. My confidence level is about sky high right now. I hope I can hang onto it for a little while.

Happy feeling is gone. Back to reality here. I swear, when it rains it pours. And it has been pouring for a few days now.

Sunday I had kind of a disaster at work involving the other team lead calling out, meaning I had to find someone to cover the shift. There are only like 5 people who work on sundays, and normally that's plenty, but taking out one person overloads the rest even though it's a slow day. I ended up having to cover most of it myself. It really didn't feel like a day off at all since I was on the phone with everyone from the time I woke up until about 8 o'clock at night. Figures the day someone calls out turns out to be our busiest Sunday year-to-date.

Then last night, our power went out for a few hours. Not normally a big deal, you light some candles and end up having a conversation with your roommates instead of chatting over AIM from one room to the next. However, it was also storming out, and then our back up power went out too. The back up power lights the emergency lights in the stairwells. When those go out, all the fire alarms sound. I mean, every alarm, every floor, every building, in the whole neighborhood. It was loud, everyone was a little freaked out, people were outside trying to figure out if we needed to evacuate or not. All those candles, we thought maybe something was actually on fire, but eventually we realized not. I called TECO and found out that over 1700 people were without power. We went to the closest gas station we could find with power, loaded up on cigarettes and some found since I wasn't about to cook dinner in the dark, and came back home. It only lasted a couple hours, but that's long enough with those alarms going off.

Today I woke up to go to work and found that my car was dead. Again. I couldn't get it jumped. I had to call out since I had NO way of getting in. Now I feel totally guilty about not going but there wasn't much I could do. My boss didn't seem that worried about it, but I feel inconsistent. I can make it in on my day off for an emergency but I can't make my normal shift?! Argh! So now tonight I have to convince Colyn to take me to get a battery, and then take my car to get fixed in the morning, hopefully with enough time to get to work. The other thing is mark has a job interview tomorrow at 11, and I'm not sure how we'll get him there. It would be a great job too, right up his alley, right next to my office and hopefully our future home. I hope the car is fixed in time. We found a mechanic shop that has a deal with Mazda so they get discounts on parts, so the quote for service was way cheaper than everywhere else I called. Luckily the part I need is one that they get the discount on.

Terriyaki (the stray cat that's been living with me) disappeared the other day, and i was worried about him with all the bad weather, but he came back this morning. He always comes back when he's hungry or hurt. i hope i can find a home for him soon. He's getting along with my cats okay for the moment, but I wont be living here forever and I doubt any apartment will let me move in with 4 cats.

Colyn has been sleeping all friggin day. I wish he'd wake up so I can get started on dealing with this mess of a life. I can't believe I'm actually relying on another human being for support with something. Yikes!! Thank God for 24/7 Wal-marts. :-)

Over the last couple months, I've found my stress level creeping up higher and higher. I guess I was so distracted by all the things that are stressing me that I didn't realize how overwhelmed I was until someone pointed it out to me. Then, just like that, there it all was. Like sitting in the middle of a burning house, and thinking that it's getting a little warm, and then suddenly realizing that there are flames all over the place.

Since I had worked had covered Josie's shift for her last sunday, so she could see her sister (who she hadn't seen in 14 years!!!) she volunteered to work my Saturday. It worked out well since that gave me a nice 3 day weekend. This was also handy being that it was mother's day weekend. Mark suggested we do something fun together, just us, to let me detox from everything. We decided to go camping up at the village in Dade City. I hadn't been up there in almost 3 years. I took Mark one time, when I still had my corolla, so we weren't even dating yet.

My brother and I had collaborated (I know, I can't believe it either) on doing something extra special for mom this year, since she's pretty overwhelmed too trying to take care of Grandmama. Apparently, moms get in free at the Florida Aquarium, so we all took her over there. Even my dad was in on it, in fact, it was his idea to make it a surprise. Normally we all just go to breakfast at cracker barrel. This is probably the first year ever that we've actually planned an event like that, actually DONE something. It was nice to have secret conversations with my brother and my dad to get it organized. :-)

After we went to the aquarium, Mark, Mom and I went to visit grandmama at the hospital. I took about a million pictures for her, so she wouldn't feel left out. I showed them all to her and told her everything that was happening in each of them. We had a really fun visit. I massaged her feet for her, and she told me about all her nurses and the hospital drama. I swear, only my grandmama can find drama to obsess about in a place as drab and morbid as the hospital. I imagine she's pretty bored, so it helps to know that she's got stuff to think about.

Then Mark and I went up to the village together. We started a fire, and set up some chairs. Mom and I built a cabin up there years and years ago. I think I was about 15 when we built it? Anyhow, she keeps all sorts of camping stuff in there, so we really didn't have to pack much other than some food, bug spray, clothes. He and I sat for something like 7 hours together, in front of a fire, roasting marshmallows, talking. TALKING. It was so nice to be able to have each others undivided attention. We both had our phones on in case of emergencies, but had our ringers off so we wouldn't be disturbed.

We talked about everything. Us, our friends, our roomie, our relationship, all the things that are bothering me, sex, god, we told stories, I told him some traditional native american stories that I remember. It's been so long since I was able to just sit with someone for a long time and just...talk...I miss that so bad. Mark is a great listener, really. If I tell him I need him to listen for a while, he'll turn off the tv and sit with me and just let me rant on and on about whatever is pissing me off on that particular day. However, usually, my days aren't THAT bad, so mostly we don't talk like we used to. You get so used to someone being all up in your space all the time, that you don't realize you really have anything worth talking about.

We actually learned some new things about each other.

There is a possibility that I'll be doing this a little more often. I'm craving it again actually, thinking of a million things to say that I just don't want to talk about at home. There are parts of my life that just don't feel like appropriate conversation pieces for home. Does that make sense? Talking about it at home would be like...I dunno....playing football in a church during a funeral. Just...not appropriate...but out in the woods, there is no such thing as appropriate. I mean, we're peeing in the dirt. Not much point to holding back in that environment.

I wonder if people back in the day knew each other much better than we know each other today. They didn't have T.V.s and Wiis and computers and cell phones and intense ass jobs to keep them all from having time to connect to another human face to face. I wonder if that's contributing to our high divorce rates, too. Just a theory.

My grandmama is still in the hospital. It's been like 3 weeks. I've seen her in the hospital lots of times, but I don't think she's ever been in one this long. If she has, it hasn't been in my lifetime.

I went and saw her last night with my mom and dad. She was really disoriented. Not in the sense that she didn't know who she was or anything, but just that she seemed to be stuck between asleep and awake. Her eyes were open but she was seeing things that weren' t there. At one point I was telling her a story and she closed her eyes and had this giant dopey grin on her face, and I stopped talking, so she opened her eyes and I said, "Are you dozing during my story?" and she said, "No, I was reading." I told her she must have been reading her eyelids, and she didn't realize her eyes had been closed.

This freaks me out for multiple reasons. Primarily because the last time I went to see her, just earlier in the week, she was crazy lucid. She was probably more clear than I've seen her in a LONG time. She was cheerful and friendly and playful. We laughed and laughed and kept making her monitors alarm because of the oxygen and heart fluctuations. Her nurse kept asking how late I was staying so she knew she could just ignore the monitor. I've heard that sometimes people become really clear before they start dieing. To see the dramatic downturn is unnerving to say the least.

Today the doctors told us that her blood platelet count is rapidly decreasing. They're running all kinds of tests to see what's happening to her. I don't know much about blood in general, so I have no idea what this means. From what I've read so far, either her bone marrow has stopped producing platelets, or something in her system is destroying them (like an infection). Sometimes it's a liver issue, and my mom did say that this morning she looked  a little yellow, which can also point to the liver, but she didn't mention it to the doctor.

I guess I got my hopes up that she was improving, but she isn't. At least I know she thinks about me a lot. She keeps telling my mom things like "Alyse was here earlier" even when I wasn't there. She was sure Mark and I came to see her today. The frustrating side of that is that she's also saying things like, "I'm not sure if you're really here right now or not..."

I'm not sure if she's really there right now or not either.

Shit, I'm not sure if I'm really here right now or not. Jesus.

My dad called me a little bit ago. He told me that grandmama was readmitted to the hospital again, for the second time in the last week. He's pretty sure she's on her way out. I get the impression that he's probably right.

The reason he called was actually really sweet. He said he has a business meeting out of town, and he has to leave tomorrow and probably won't be back until monday night. He asked that I go keep an eye on my mom, maybe stay with her while he's gone. He's really worried about her as he's seen how much this is weighing on her. He thought she was more prepared, but now that it's kind of happening he's worried about her a lot. He said she perks up when I'm around and he wants me to be there to hold her hand since he can't get out of this meeting to be with her. I thought it was sweet of him to call and tell me that she's having this bad of a reaction. He said she'd never say it (which is true) but this is killing her and she doesn't really have many people to lean on.

I mean, it's her mom, you know?

He said he needs me to be strong for her and not get anxious, cuz she'll know if I am. He's right. All this time being married to her, I guess he does know her pretty well. I guess he knows me pretty well too.

Anyway, I'm not having the greatest time right now. I'm actually a little freaked.

I'm glad I have good company with me.

I have to admit that I'm sort of freaking out here...Jaime is coming down tonight and before she got out of town I talked to her and said maybe she might not want to come given her history with flash floods and there's this terrible storm rolling down through the state. I talked to her at about 8:15 and she was thinking should could make it through Perry and probably beat the storm, but now we're getting weather advisories here for the same areas where she would probably be traveling about now. I guess that means it's been right on top of her the whole trip. I wouldn't be as worried if it wasn't so freakin windy. I went outside to smoke earlier and it was knocking me over. Seems like it would be hard to drive in. I tried to call but she didn't answer, and it said her mailbox was full.

Given that I talked to her at 8:15, and it takes 4 - 5 hours to get here, she's due any minute. If she's not in by 2 I'm going to start combing the streets.

It's been a weird day.